Geeks rule.

I just love being a nerd. "Embrace your inner dork, and be free!" That is my credo.

First of all, what is a dork? Basically, a dork is somebody like me -- a total nerd, somebody who pays five bucks to get their hair cut (or cuts their own hair), shops for clothes out of the clearance bin at K-Mart, works a geeky job like fry cook or computer programmer and isn't afraid to say it out loud -- you know, somebody who just doesn't care one lousy whit about being cool or hip or popular.

Why is it so cool to be a total geek?

For one thing, chicks dig it. Cool guys just don't get it. To make a chick like you, you have to be funny. To be funny, you can't take yourself seriously. As a self-aware dork, you can't possibly take yourself seriously; therefore, you will be funny, and chicks will dig you. For another thing, as a dork you are honest and non-threatening, and if there are two qualities the hotties can't resist, they are honesty and non-threateningness (Of course I know that's not a real word -- I am a smarty-pants geek, after all!) Plus, all the sexiest babes know the maxim: "A geek in the streets is a freak between the sheets!"

Oh, and ladies: Guys love geeky girls. Brains are sexy. A girl who can fix her own computer or who collects comic books is pure gold. And glasses? They might as well be sexy lingerie on your face -- we dudes love to imagine removing them, gently or in a mad fit of passion. If you can discuss Star Wars or play the cello (which implies that you can rock a mean bass), well, every guy you meet will fall hopelessly in love with you. That's all I have to say about that.

Another cool thing about being a dork is that you can make lots of money. This is because you spend a lot of time studying and pursuing dorky hobbies instead of being cool at the mall or the club. All of that accumulated knowledge equals more dollars in your pockets because people will actually pay you to do things they can't do. Sometimes they'll pay you a lot.

There are a lot of other perks that come with being a dork -- not feeling compelled to shave or bathe regularly, for but one example -- but suffice it to say that we dorks know how to enjoy life, and we are laughing uproariously on the inside at the cool people who outwardly mock us.

So, kids, the best advice I can give you is this:

Go ahead and be a nerd.